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Jessica Simpson is blaming her breakup with husband Nick Lachey on being away from each other all the time. Nick is blaming the breakup on the fact that Jessica is a dumb idiot. Joe Simpson is blaming the breakup on Jessica's boobs because it gives him yet another reason to talk about his daughter's chest. Jessica your a single woman now.....it's time to start dressing like a slut.
Cisco Alder decided he needed to compete with his ex fiance Kim Stewart and has reportedly asked girlfriend Mischa Barton to marry him. Barton accepted the proposal after Alder got down on one knee and presented Barton with a bunch of tropical flowers. No mention of the ring is noted. That's because Mischa's going to have to haul ass to jewelry store and buy the thing herself. Cisco can't afford a haircut and a razor let alone a freaking ring. I hope he at least took off that nasty bandana when he proposed.
I'll admit that Jessica and Nick are quite clever. Announcing their break-up late Thanksgiving Eve had everyone dropping the turkey baster and scrambling back to their desks tocover the story. I am actually quite shocked by the news. I thought for sure they could squeeze out another couple of months faking it. Who the hell is going to do the variety show now? Oh Casey.....now we can finally be together.
Page Six is reporting that Hohan's relationship with Jared Leto is dunzo. Leto was seen all over a random blond at the Hard Rock Casino & Hotel in Vegas last night. Poor Lindsay....too bad this is what she wrote in her thanks section of her new album( via Pink is the New Blog): JL - are you a beautiful lie or are you my fatal crime? Am I your beautiful lie or are you my beautiful life? I hope the 2 beautiful worlds or lie's and life's collide. With the good karma on my side. Because I know I'm right. Thanks for being a companion through this record...love you...and thank you for coming into my life. Umm Yuck. He probably broke up with you for writing all that crap. Nice......Lohan stole a choir robe from my church but then hacked the bottom of it off.
Whoever betted against me better pay up. Jordan Bratman has a big cock........duh. The record exec stood up at his rehersal dinner and made a toast thanking his parents for his good looks and large penis.After the toast, Bratman's brother and father seconded the notion. Bratman's new bride, Christina Aguilera, nodded and smiled during both toasts. Mmmhmm...daddy's packing the pistol. I wondered where my white pashmina went although I didn't expect Jordan to be the one wearing it. Thanks to everyone who called out that I put down Justin instead of Jordan. A mickey mouse club slip perhaps.
I like Cisco Adler.......kinda like how I like Mexican gangsters that start fires in trash cans and stare at every chic they see like they've never seen a girl before.
The producers of Laguna Beach are fantastic because managing to find a pack trashier than Casey takes skill. This next installment is for sure going to be the STD season. TVGasm highlights the new bunch......crabs and all. I hope the producers give that girl some cash to buy new concealer.
Little SPF, or as I like to call him baby-fed, is on display for everyone to see. It's ten dollars at the door but 5 bucks if you pay ahead of time. Kevin is also offering a two for one special just for today.Now Kevin will be able to buy that boat he wants. I see.......................there's no hair to cornrow yet but just you wait people...just wait. Photos via the JJB
Since it's pretty much a commonality that everyone hates Paris Hilton, why not glorify the bitch in the most appropriate way possible. Ladies and Gentleman, save your money because its time to get your very own Paris Hilton voodoo doll. Just reading this shit entertained me for hours so I can only imagine how much fun I'd have with my very own doll. I am for sure buying Nicole Richie one of these for X-mas or Hanukkah or her birthday or whatever. Thanks to Gallery of the Absurd for being the most creative blog in all the land.
Cisco Adler must be showing Mischa the mean tricks of the street because suddenly Ms. Barton is acting all ghetto. Don't park my car there bitch! Park that shit over here. What you makin fun of my hair clips for? Well fuck you skank whore. And gimmie more moneycuz I ain't getting paid shit on the O.C. Being her personal assistant would be a blast.
Jessica Simpson is expanding her acting career by signing on to star in a new movie titled "Employee of the Month". Simpson will play a hot cashier at a discount store where the male co-workers vie for her attention by competing for employee of the month. Congrats to Jessica as she's picked another thrilling movie role that sure to win her an Oscar. Again Jessica....prozac would be helpful.
Nah...she hurt her head a long time ago. Kelly Osbourne injured her leg after falling down a flight of stairs in her London flat. The singer is now on crutches and is wearing a brace.Too bad she hurt her leg and not her face because it would be the perfect excuse to get some plastic surgery to fix that shit. See what a little spackle and a good air-brushing can do?
I love Madonna and her clever usage of spandex outfits. When is she breaking out the biker shorts? Anyways.......my friends over at City Rag are happy to inform you about Madge's camel toe...mixed in with all that spandex. Yummie. Nothing like paying a little extra for those front row seats so you can get some bonus crotch during the show.
Blender magazine is claiming that Paris Hilton is a classically trained violinist. When Hilton was asked if she would use those skills for her upcoming album, Paris replied "I'm not going to be onstage playing the violin. That would be gay." Oh yes...playing a violin onstage....totally gay. Excuse me while I put down my instrument and go make out with Melissa Ethridge. Is stealing someone else's boyfriend gay too? No no that's hot, right? Hey Paris your outfit is gay.
This might be the one time you'll ever catch me being nice but congrats to Christina and da Brat on their new marriage. They love each other and it's not like he's some deadbeat with eight kids hoping to cash in on someone else's career.He's ugly as hell but hey a little plastic surgery can go a long way, right? Alrighty niceness over......get a room you dumb sluts
Though she's claiming she wrote it all on her very own, Gawker is taking bets on who actually wrote Nicole Richie's novel. I say Nicole's fiance DJ AM wrote it. He's supposed to be some sort of DJ yet I haven't seen him doing shit except escort Nicole to Starbucks so she can nourish her body with caffeine and non-fat milk. Oh no don't let the picture fool you.......they're leaving a restaurant but they only went to use the restroom and steal a few mints for dinner.
Kelly Osbourne is furious with Stavros Niarchos for ruining her 21st Birthday bash. Well Kelly, I'm furious at you for ruining my appetite every time I see pictures of you. This is the type of shit I have nightmares about.
Christina Aguilera got married yesterday to record exec Jordan Bratman. The wedding was lovely and although I wasn't invited I was able to peek thru the bushes and watch the whole damn thing. Bratman sobbed like a baby during the ceremony and at the reception Christina sang dirty to all the groomsmen. Hey.... at least for dinner they didn't have chicken fingers and ribs like someone we know......... Leave it to Christina to walk down the aisle wearing a shower cap.
In an effort to be frugal, the Olsen twins attend a red carpet event then hop on over to Central Park where the dresses will be used for a lovely evening picnic.
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